When emotions run high, even an experienced negotiator can lose sight of the real issue. Slowing the conversation down and listening for what lies beneath the conflict can create a way forward. Read more...
Conflict is an unavoidable part of leadership. It may involve competing priorities, damaged trust, an unhappy client, a difficult employment issue or a commercially important agreement.
Whatever the situation, a negotiation becomes more difficult when strong emotions are involved. Frustration, fear, disappointment and anger can quickly take over, causing people to defend their positions rather than work towards a resolution.
Successfully handling these conversations requires more than having a persuasive argument. It requires emotional awareness, careful listening and the ability to remain composed when the discussion becomes uncomfortable.
Manage Yourself First
Before entering the negotiation, consider your own emotional state. Are you angry, anxious or already convinced that the other person is being unreasonable?
Emotions influence the language we use, the assumptions we make and the way we interpret another person’s behaviour. If you enter the room prepared for a fight, even a neutral comment can sound confrontational.
Take time to identify what you are feeling and why. Decide what outcome matters most and which issues you can approach flexibly. This makes it easier to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
Look Beneath the Stated Position
In an emotionally charged negotiation, the issue being argued about may not be the issue causing the strongest reaction.
A disagreement about price could also involve a fear of being undervalued. Resistance to a proposal may be connected to a loss of control. Anger about a deadline may reflect a longer history of feeling ignored.
Rather than debating only the position being presented, ask calm, open questions:
What concerns you most about this proposal?
What would a successful outcome look like for you?
Is there something important that we have not discussed?
What would need to change for you to feel comfortable moving forward?
These questions can reveal the interests and concerns underneath the conflict.
Acknowledge Emotion Without Surrendering Your Position
Recognising someone’s feelings does not mean agreeing with every claim or accepting an unreasonable demand.
A statement such as, “I can see that this situation has been frustrating,” acknowledges the person’s experience without deciding who is right.
People are more likely to participate constructively when they believe they have been heard. Ignoring their emotions, or telling them not to be emotional, usually intensifies the conflict.
Do Not Match Their Intensity
When another person raises their voice or becomes defensive, it is tempting to respond in the same way. This generally moves the conversation further away from a solution.
Keep your language measured and avoid personal accusations. If the discussion becomes too heated to be useful, suggest a pause and agree on a time to resume.
A pause is not a failure. It can give both parties an opportunity to regain perspective and return with a clearer understanding of what needs to be resolved.
Focus on the Shared Problem
The goal is not to defeat the other person. It is to find a way to address the problem while protecting the interests and relationships involved.
Identify any areas of agreement, even if they are small. Both parties may want to preserve a commercial relationship, complete a project successfully or avoid an expensive escalation. A shared objective can provide a foundation for discussing the areas where you disagree.
The Takeaway
Emotion does not have to prevent a successful negotiation. When leaders manage their own reactions, listen for the concerns beneath the conflict and acknowledge emotion without becoming consumed by it, difficult conversations can become more productive.
The aim is not to remove every feeling from the room. It is to prevent emotion from controlling the outcome.
This article is an independently written summary of ideas presented in “How to Handle an Emotionally Charged Negotiation” by Greg McKeown, published by Harvard Business Review on 15 December 2023. Read the original HBR article for the author’s complete account and negotiation framework.
